Monday, August 15, 2011

Beer-Battered Habanero Poppers

 For the poppers:

White flour
Dark beer (I used Arrogant Bastard)
Chipotle powder  
grated Jack cheese (habanero jack, if you can find it!)
a few strips of bacon
A couple of green onions, chopped
As many habaneros as you think you want/can handle
A lot of oil (your choice) for deep-frying

For the mango dipping sauce:

2 ripe mangos, peeled and seeded
1 c. water
1/4 c. vegetable oil
Half a white onion
four cloves of garlic, expelled
1 T. fresh ginger, grated
1 t. ground cumin
1/2 t. ground mustard
1 t. crushed red pepper flakes
1/4 t. sea salt

1/2 t. cracked pepper
3-4 c. mayonaise

      It's happened to all of us. You're at a classless chicken wing joint with a group of rowdy guys when suddenly, that one guy, probably named Dwayne, challenges you to a jalapeno-popper eating contest. You know your extremophilic palate can handle the heat, so you happily agree to the challenge, feeling confident in your highly developed levels of pain tolerance. The poppers are ordered, and a few rounds of vain boasting and simian chest-thumping ensue. The waitress brings out the basket full of poppers, and you give Dwayne one last icy stare before the competition begins. Go! You and Dwayne both bite into a popper, and "SPLURT!" Boiling-hot cream cheese instantly devastates your tongue! No, no, no! This is the wrong kind of heat, it wasn't supposed to be like this! You know you can handle the mild kick of the jalapenos, but you reluctantly forfeit, unable to go on injuring your mouth like this. Dwayne, most likely from all the years of drinking and regurgitating moonshine, appears to have little reaction, quaffing the liquid magma with indifference.

    Well friends, jalapeno poppers have had their day, and it's time to introduce the new champion of cheese-filled peppers: the habanero popper. Far tastier and far more extreme than the jalapeno popper, the habanero popper will light you up and have you riverdancing on the table in no time! Not to mention we have here a fancy mango dipping sauce to accentuate the deep flavor of the poppers! So let's not waste any more time and let's get started.

    To make the mango dipping sauce, combine all the ingredients except for the mayo in a large saucepan and simmer over medium heat. Once it's been boiling for ten minutes or so, and the mangos are nice and soft, remove it from the heat and put it all into a blender. Yes, it will blend! Start adding the mayo bit by bit and just go until you get a nice consistency that you like. Does it taste good? Then it is good! Set that sauce aside and get ready for the main event!

    Get that bacon sizzling in a pan. Yay, bacon! While your bacon is cooking, go ahead and prep the peppers. Cut those habanero peppers in half lengthwise and scrape out the seeds and the white ribs inside. Fill each half with the grated cheese and the chopped green onions. Be sure to lay the halves that fit together right next to each other so you don't end up with mismatched halves. Sprinkle a little salt and pepper over the open peppers if you like. When the bacon is nice and crispy, let it cool and then just crush it up with your hands and sprinkle it into each pepper half. Now you can reunite the cloven habaneros, just put those bad boys back together.

    The batter is stupidly easy. Just take some white flour and mix in a bunch of chipotle powder and a little salt and pepper. Then start pouring your beer of choice into it and stirring, mixing it until it has a pancake batter-like consistency. Now heat some oil in a small saucepan, enough to dunk the habaneros in. When the oil is nice and hot, it's time to fry! Just cover a habanero in your yummy beer batter, and carefully drop it in to the oil. If the oil is at a nice hot temp it should only take about 10 seconds to fry these guys right. Pull it out with some tongs. Set aside on a paper towel and repeat! Frying habaneros is surprisingly fun!

    Let 'em cool, then they're good to go. Dip one in that mango sauce and tell me it doesn't taste absolutely delicious on that first bite. Don't worry, the intense heat of the habanero will soon dominate all the flavor and will leave you trembling in teary-eyed ecstasy. I made these with my friend and fellow extremophile A.J, who was quoted as saying, "The first popper made me cry and want to bash my head into the wall, but the last two were absolute heaven." Forget about jalapeno poppers! Let's see if Dwayne can hang with a habanero popper eating contest!

                                         "Um, yeah. Those poppers were pretty hot."

Monday, August 8, 2011

Forbidden Salad

You will need:
1 cup spicy cabbage kimchee
1 cup forbidden rice
4 tb honey (tupelo is a good choice)
1 tb rice vinegar
1 tsp fresh grated ginger
A smattering of crushed red pepper flakes
2-6 Red Savina habaneros, finely chopped

You shall not pass. What's that you say, you have brought for me a gift of forbidden salad? Very well then, you may proceed. 

Used for centuries to assuage trolls, bribe guardsmen, and win the affections of fair maidens, Forbidden Salad tastes great and might even serve to ward off evil spirits. Well, it'll ward off anyone who is not an extremophile at least!

Bring some water to boil in a pot. You can use a little bit less water than you would use for most other types of rice, because this forbidden rice doesn't suck up quite as much moisture. While you're waiting for the water to boil, let's start in on the dressing. Combine the honey, ginger, rice vinegar, and red pepper flakes in a saucepan. Throw in however much salt and pepper you deem appropriate. Simmer that all together over low heat.

Add the demon rice to the boiling water and turn down that heat and cover the pot. You know the drill, right? This rice is going to need some time to cook, probably 25 min or so, but you can always check it out sooner if you like. In fact this salad does well with a rice that is ever so slightly al dente. Once the rice is finished and drained, it's time for the fun!

Just mix everything together! Be sure you have a maniacal look on your face while you stir! You're combining the dressing, the kimchee, the rice, and the red habaneros all together in a mixing bowl. Oh you haven't had this much fun since the last extreme foods recipe you made! Once it's all blended, cover the bowl with some saran wrap and put the salad into the fridge for at least an hour or so. Then it's ready to enjoy! No troll or black knight is gonna be able to stand in your way, so I know you're gonna cross that bridge when you come to it!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Drumsticks of Death

What you will need:

A bottle of wimpy hot sauce (such as Frank's Red Hot or Tapatio)
5-10 chicken drumsticks
A stick of butter
1 tb paprika
2 tsp smoked salt
1 tsp cracked pepper
2 tsp coriander
2 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp onion powder
1 tsp chipotle powder
oil of your choice ( I like peanut or sesame)
Face-melting hot sauce, to taste (such as Mad Dog 357 or Blair's Death Sauce)
An iron will

You are an extremophile. You defy death as you soar on the wings of fire-breathing griffons. You know that the only kind of chicken drumsticks fit for your palate which has been forged in the fires of awesome are the drumsticks of death. Do not share the drumsticks of death with the uninitiated, for they are weak. Yet you are strong. You will stare down the open maw of the infernal beast. And you will defeat it.

In a saucepan, combine the wimpy hot sauce and the stick of butter over low heat. Add salt and pepper to taste, then get ready for the pain. Season your sauce with the face-melting hot sauce drop by drop. Put as much as you like, but remember, if you're not sweating when you taste your sauce, it's not extreme enough! I recommend simmering this sauce beneath a fan on high, unless you are keen on giving yourself and everyone who lives with you uncontrollable fits of coughing!

Brush the oil onto the chicken. You're doing great. Blend the spices in a small bowl, and rub them all over the chicken. Remember, spice rubs are sexy, so be sure to go slow and show that chicken some lovin'. Fire up your grill to a nice medium heat, and throw those bad boys on there. When you think the chicken is about halfway done, start basting it with your buffalo sauce of death. Don't worry about the sauce burning and caramelizing, the buffalo sauce is pretty resistant to that. Brush at least four or five layers of liquid pain onto each side of the chicken. Be sure to apply a generous coat of sauce right before you remove the drumsticks from the grill.

When you remove the chicken from the grill, wrap each piece in aluminum foil and let it rest for 10-15 minutes. This will tenderize the chicken even further. After that, tighten your bonnets, buckle down your pilgrim's shoes, and get ready to give thanks, because you have no idea how much you're about to have to be thankful for! Oh, and try not to touch your face while you eat these guys. You might even want to wear gloves, if you used enough of that face-melting hot sauce!